Metallica: A comedic rant about Sunday noise


1 September 2023 by WTF Notebooks

A woman pushing a lawnmower in her yard

Ah, the weekend. Saturday is the day to get your house in order and hide your after-hours laziness of the work week. And Sunday is for relaxing.

Or so one would think…

What the hell is wrong with people? Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest, relaxation, and recuperation before we drag ourselves into another work week on Monday. But oh no, some of our neighbors just have to crank up the volume on their speakers, chainsaws and squeaky child voices.

Let's start with the early birds. You know who I'm talking about. The ones who wake up at the ass crack of dawn and decide to trim their hedges. One minute you’re in the deep sleep you deserve, and the next there’s a swarm of angry bees buzzing in your ear, making you wish you were deaf.

And don't even get me started on the lawnmowers. I mean, seriously, who the hell needs to mow their lawn every goddamn Sunday? Are they running a freaking golf course in their backyard or what?

It's like these people have no concept of common courtesy. It's as if they think the entire neighborhood wants to hear their shitty music taste or witness them showing off their latest DIY project.

I swear, it's like they're trying to compete with each other. "Oh, you want to play your music loud? Well, I'll show you! I'm gonna fire up my chainsaw and we can compete in a decibel contest!”

And then there's the construction crew. You know, the ones who decide to renovate their entire house on a Sunday. They start hammering and drilling at 7am, like they're trying to break some kind of world record for the most annoying noise ever. I swear, I can feel my brain shaking inside my skull.

But you know what? I'm not gonna take it anymore. I've got a plan. I'm gonna fight fire with fire. Or in this case, noise with noise.

I'm gonna go out and buy the trashiest drum set I can find. I won’t be practicing my drumming skills, because we want to keep it obnoxiously disturbing, right? I'm talking about the kind of drumming that would make Lars Ulrich from Metallica cringe.

But seriously, folks, let's all just agree to be a little more considerate on Sundays. We can all enjoy a little peace and quiet on the weekend, right? It's not that hard. Just turn down the volume a little, wait until later in the day to mow your lawn, and for god's sake, train your damn dog to stop barking every five seconds.

And if you can't do that, well, you can expect to hear a lot more Phil-Collins-style noise coming from my house. Consider yourselves warned.

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