Freak show: A comedic rant about Zoom meetings

Noteworthy

24 March 2023 by WTF Notebooks

Ah, Zoom meetings – the novel lockdown luxury that was maliciously turned into a dreaded chore when bosses around the world realized the benefits of work-from-home culture and technological advancements.

But – and this is a big but – every day, it's the same damn thing:

I log on, I stare at my own stupid face, and I wait for everyone else to show up. And when they do, I have to endure 20 minutes of small talk and awkward silences before we even get to the point.

Of course, as is the case every time, once the actual meeting agenda starts, Susan’s face freezes mid-sentence and you're left staring at her pixelated mug for the rest of the meeting. Is it really too much to ask for people to have a halfway decent internet connection? And how about a microphone that doesn't make them sound like they're in a wind tunnel?

Speaking of background noise – who knew so many of my colleagues had such noisy households? Dogs barking, kids screaming, spouses yelling. It's like a goddamn freak show over there. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here in my quiet apartment, trying not to let my boredom show on my face.

When you think it can’t get any worse, there’s Jeff with his weird camera angles. Do people not know how to position their webcam properly? I don't need to see up your nose or the inside of your ear, thanks, Jeff.

And don't even get me started on virtual backgrounds. I'm sorry, but no, I do not want to see myself sitting on a beach while in reality I'm stuck with in an impossible escape room with my co-workers. It’s like a bad episode of Black Mirror.

And then there's the awkward silence that always seems to happen after someone finishes speaking. You're just sitting there, waiting for someone else to chime in – and before you know it you have Susan’s frozen face who decides to fill the silence with a story about her grandchildren, just to hear herself speak.

If you ask me, Zoom meetings can go straight to hell. I never thought I’d say this but it almost makes me miss the good old days of having good old in-person meetings at the office. The one good things about Zoom meetings though? At least I don't have to wear pants.