55 inappropriate one-liner jokes that'll have you in tears

01

My wife says she wants another baby. I'm so glad because I also really don't like the first one.

02

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

03

I just read that in New York, someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. 

04

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

05

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was five.

06

I have many jokes about unemployed people – sadly none of them work.

07

Don't ever think you're completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

08

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

09

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

10

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

11

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. But they have 206 bones.

12

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

13

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

14

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

15

What do you call cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

16

An apple a day keeps the doctor away – if you throw it hard enough.

17

The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

18

I childproofed my house today. Somehow, they still got in.

19

My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story.

20

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

21

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

22

I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

23

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs.

24

My daughter asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose," I told her.

25

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

26

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

27

If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.

28

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around”.

29

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Lovely saying. Terrible way to find out you’re adopted.

30

My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

31

Shout out to my grandma since that’s the only way she can hear you.

32

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

33

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

34

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

35

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.

36

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.

37

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.

38

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

39

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

40

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

41

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

42

My wife says making love is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

43

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!

44

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2. He never talks about it.

45

Ever since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let him inside.

46

I went to the restaurant last night, and I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

47

I wondered why there isn't a pregnant Barbie doll... but then I realised: Ken came in another box.

48

I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

49

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

50

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

51

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

52

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

53

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

54

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

55

Life is about balance. 50% namaste. 50% fuck off.